Sunday, May 30, 2010

Motherhood is Here

Tala  - Our Little Spanish Pinay is now 5 weeks and 3 days.  It has been a roller coaster ride for us first time parents.  It has been fun, scary, thrilling, overwhelming, magical and whole lot more of emotions and it will be like that for as long as we are her parents.  

I was one of those typical can't-wait-to-be-a-mom kind of woman.  I've never played make-believe of me walking down the altar like many little girls but I did play make-believe of me pregnant and then breastfeeding my baby.  I love babies.  I love kids.  I like playing with them and talking to them and listening to them.  I always thought I am destined to be a mom and with my experience taking care of my other 4 younger siblings, I was too confident I'll do just fine taking care of my own baby.   Now that the make-believe has come to reality, the confidence faded away.  I was in euphoria the first time I laid my eyes on her.  While we were in the hospital, staring at her was my past time but upon going back home, I felt that my recovery has been slow due to the emergency cesarian I had to undergo (I was so hoping I wouldn't have cesarian by the way).  My movements has been limited and thus couldn't do much for our little one.  I felt incompetent as a mom for 3 weeks.  I so wish my mom or one of my siblings was here to help me out.  I felt all the more homesick and defeated by the situation.  I kept on thinking what did I get this little creature into.  She so not deserve this. I worried so much whether she's ok or not, if I am making her feel not ok because I'm not taking care of her the right way, etc.  No one has told me it'll be easy but one couldn't really understand well how difficult it can get until they're on the actual situation.  The so-called baby blues has afflicted me.  

But God has always been there for me and he has given me a husband that supports me beyond 100 percent.  He had been my pilar of strength the whole time I was physically and emotionally weak.  As a first time father, he was doing impressively well.  He has all the patience, dedication and love our little one just needs.  After his 15days paternity leave, he asked for another 2  weeks vacation leave to be with me and take care of me and Tala.  This has helped me a lot to recover and feel more confident that everything's fine.  Tala will be fine.

Fast forward to present, I've now recovered from my baby blues,  Manuel is back to work and I am 24x7 with my little angel.  I'm still too worried about her but now, I am more level-headed about these worries.  My poor baby is now more adjusted to the drastic change of her environment.  I wouldn't say everything is easy and manageable now.  There are still some difficult days especially when she's suffering from such painful gases she can't expel.  Our house is still a mess since I don't really have much time to clean up and organize.  But for now, I don't care much about it.  Tala is my main priority.  Especially now that she has started communicating more with her smiles and goo-goos.  It melts my heart every morning she'd greet me with her ear-to-ear toothless smile.  Whenever I feel her eyes locked on me, I just feel like I'm the luckiest woman on earth.

As I type my thoughts right now, our little Spanish Pinay is sleeping soundly.  I've glanced her as many times as there are words in this blog.  She's smiling on her sleep.  She's moving and seems to be waking up but would soon go back to zzz.  She looks so peaceful.  Makes me want to kiss her soundly and hug her tightly.

Motherhood.  I'm finally on it :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Star Was Born

April 22, 2010 at 13:55 with 3kg and 890g, 50cm - Tala our very own star and angel was born.

On my 40th week and 5 days, hubby and I went to the hospital for the weekly checkup - that was April 21.  At this point of pregnancy, I should be ready to give birth anytime.  The last time I was checked, I was still far from dilating.  Cervix hasn't even softened yet.  Amniotic fluid was also getting scarce although it wasn't in a risky level yet.  Due to this, my OB decided to admit me in the hospital so they can monitor me closely and start inducing the labor if over 24 hours labor wouldn't start yet.  I was given something to provoke contractions - which up to that day, I haven't had any.

The following morning, I was given yet another one of those things that induces contractions.  I was monitored again.  Baby's heartbeat was ok, I was having little contractions but I'm not even feeling them.  Cervix was still "raw".  Mid-day, hubby has just stepped out the hospital to take a bath while my mother-in-law stayed with me.  Time to be monitored again.  Baby's heartbeat still doing good, small contractions almost nothing.  This went on for about 20mins and suddenly, the monitoring machine started making loud beep sounds.  Mother-in-law rushed out to call the nurse while I was kind of confused.  I can feel my baby moving a lot in my tummy so I didn't know why the machine was making all the noise.

Midwife and OB came rushing.  OB keenly watching the machine as it records baby's heartbeat.  I saw it was dropping.  I though there must be something wrong with the machine.  My baby's very active.. she's constantly moving.  OB told me to try to change my position to see if baby's heartbeat will recover.  After a couple more minutes, I saw the look on OB's face... sent my heart to skip a beat.  I nervously asked the doctor if there's something wrong.  He looked at me with face almost pale and sweating.  Told me baby's heartbeat is dropping... she's getting tired.  I didn't understand.  My baby's moving a lot how could she have her heartbeat dropping.  I've started trembling with fear for my baby's safety.  Then I heard OB's firm voice telling me we have to do an emergency CS.  A split of seconds after, I've got a nurse and a midwife preparing me for CS.  With my trembling voice, I asked if I can call my hubby first. I called him and asked him to rush back at the hospital.  

Just few more seconds after, they started moving me out the room.  My mother-in-law kissed me and tried to calm me down.  But I felt she was also trembling.  I was crying and uttering non-stop about my baby.  Everything was happening really, really fast.  Voices around giving orders, confirming something, reciting steps to proceed with.  People telling me to do this and that and all I can say is no, I can't move, I am trembling so hard.  I never stopped crying and asking the doctors if my baby is going to be ok, if I will see her right after, if they will allow me to have her in my chest right after she's out and again, if she's going to be ok a hundred times.

They never stopped assuring me that my baby will be fine.  In a matter of few minutes,  I heard our little Spanish Pinay cry.  Her head was raised over the tapestry that covers my tummy and there I saw her face still soaked in blood.  I cried louder than her.  I felt so much joy and relief.  I've never felt so scared for someone else that much.  Then they took her away to be cleaned and examined.  I cried even more.  I wanted to see more of her and longed to touch her.  But I can't.  I was there lying in the operating bed with my arms stretched on each side like Jesus Christ in a cross.  I can barely move.  I was still trembling and crying.  I kept pleading that I want to see my baby again.  Patiently, the doctors were telling me baby's ok and she's being cleaned.  After a few minutes, she was brought back to me all clean and bundled up.  The nurse holding her brought her face close to mine and I felt her soft cheek. I kissed her and smelled her.  I told my baby mami's here and we'll be fine.  She seemed calm. She opened her mouth and I felt like she was also kissing me back.  I was in plain bliss.  I smelled her angelic breath.  Our baby's finally here.  I thought about my hubby and wanted him to be there with us that very moment.  I longed for him so much.

My baby was taken away yet again.  I helplessly said please no, although I know very well that they'd have to take her away again.  I was still crying and trembling.  After closing me, I was brought to the rehabilitation room where I was monitored and examined.  There I waited for more than 2 hours to gain back some sensations on my legs.  I felt really, really cold.  I asked for an extra blanket.  It wasn't enough so I asked for another one.  Still not enough.  I was feeling extremely cold.  I stopped crying frantically but was still sobbing.  I can't stop thinking about my baby and my husband. I so wanted for them to be there with me.  I tried to close my eyes and imagine about them.  Minutes later, I opened my eyes and there was my hubby standing by the side of my bed wearing a doctor's robe.  I cried so hard upon seeing him.  A doctor who's a friend of hubby's parents accompanied him to the rehabilitation room and made him wear a doctor's robe so he would be allowed exceptionally to go inside the rehabilitation room and be with me for a while.

Hubby held my hand the whole time until I gained sensation on my legs.  I kept thinking about my little baby girl.  I long to see and touch her so much.  It pains me knowing that I will not see her until the following day.  When doctors were sure that I can already bend my knees, I was sent to my room where I will be staying for 7 days.  While a nurse pushed the hospital bed where I was lying going to my room, hubby followed.  My parents-in-law were already in my room waiting for me.  I cried upon seeing them and told them I want to see my baby.  They tried to assure me that it won't be long.

My mother-in-law and hubby already had a glimpse of our little one, while father-in-law hasn't seen her yet so I told hubby to accompany his father in the nursery room so he can see his very first granddaughter.  I can see the excitement in his eyes.  I told them I couldn't see her just yet but at least they can and then they could tell me later on how she is doing and how does she look.

Hubby and his father left while I try to stop myself from sobing.  I closed my eyes.  After about 15mins, they came back.  Hubby got this big smile on his face and said "Sorpresa!!".  I didn't know what was the surprise but upon seeing a nurse coming inside the room with them, pushing a transparent cart, I sobbed so hard.  It was my little one.  They made an exception and brought my baby to me.  The nurse reminded us that she can only stay for 5mins.  She let me held her.  I was in heaven.  She's the most beautiful thing I've laid my eyes on.  Precious is an understatement.  I didn't want those 5 mins to end.  But of course, it did.  This time though, my body's calmer.  I know my baby's ok and that the following day, I will see her again.

Tala, our star was born.   With that thought in mind, I surrendered to sleep.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

The Seven Wonders of Pregnancy

There are obviously more than seven wonders of pregnancy but if I were to place them all in this blog, I might not be able to finish this at all.  So I'd be just listing the seven biggest wonders I lived during my entire pregnancy period.

Finding out we're pregnant.
It was definitely a moment I'd never forget.   A moment that brought hubby and I to tears upon learning the greatest news of all.  Our prayers have been answered.  Here's a link to the blog I wrote about this.

Sharing the good news to people close to our hearts.
The joy of sharing this wonderful news to all the people close to our hearts is definitely something wonderful.  Hearing the excitement and happiness from the voices of these people made us even happier and ecstatic about the new phase my hubby and I are about to enter. 

Hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time.
Magical.  Hubby and I were brought back to tears.  The moment we heard our little angel's fast heartbeat is simply magical.  There's a life inside my womb... we will become parents soon.

Seeing our baby via ultrasound for the first time.
Ultra magical.   There she was so tiny yet already almost complete.  She seemed to be happily moving her arms and feet like a champion swimmer.  We were just overwhelmed by this wonderful site.  I didn't want it to end and I wanted to bring home the machine to do the ultrasound at home everyday and just stare at my baby....  Here's a link to the blog I wrote about it.

Feeling baby's first kick (just me)
This moment sent my heart to palpitate like I've had 5 cups of espresso in one go.  I was sent to plain euphoria.  My baby's communicating with me.  She's telling me she's there and she's doing good.  How can this not be one of the top 7 wonders of pregnancy...  Here's a link to the blog I wrote about it.

Hubby feeling the baby's kick for the first time.
This might be just the same as the previous one but for me it's another wonderful moment in my pregnancy.   Hubby was not able to feel baby's kick until after a month I started feeling our baby's movement.  So when he finally did, it was definitely a moment I'd never forget.  It's something that has bonded the three of us even more as a family.  It was a very beautiful moment.  Hubby's reaction is so classic, sent me to laugh my heart out.  Here's a link to the blog I wrote about it.

Holding her in my arms for the first time.
What can I say.  This tops everything else.  After 41 weeks, she's finally here with us.  I can already touch her, smell her, talk to her, see her smile after each satisfying breastfeeding session, sing to her, spend late nights with her, hear her cry in different decibels... she's simply wonderful.  Heaven sent.  Our very own star.

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