My mami patience was tested yet again and I am sad to say, I failed. Last Friday, Little Spanish Pinay was more clingy than ever. Obviously, there was something bothering her. She wanted to be nursed all night and just be held. It already took her more than the normal time before she fell asleep. I was already dead tired to start with. The weekend has been long for all of us. LSP was having agitated sleep. She'd turn and twist and then wake up and look for me and asked to be nursed. This went on and on until around 2:30am and I was really already exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. When she seemed to have already fallen asleep completely, I tried to slowly slide my butt going down the bed so I can hopefully do some household chores, and then prepare myself better to sleep - at least brush my teeth before going to be bed, right?
But then just when my butt is almost almost 2 inches lifted away from the bed, LSP got startled and cried. I was soooo ready to pull my hair and eat them until I don't have any left from my head and then yell on top of my lungs while some pieces of hair fall from my mouth - is that descriptive enough? I was just so tired and frustrated and sleepy and wanted to finish some chores so I can wake up to a less-cluttered living room in the morning and then most importantly, brush my teeth before going to dreamland. Is that too much to ask?
For the hundredth time, I nursed LSP and waited till she goes back to sleep but my impatience was growing by mililisecond while I was staring at the clock and then I snapped. I left LSP in the bed still wanting more cuddle and warmth from mami. Her papi attended to her but she just wanted one thing. Mami. But mami marched away angry. I went downstairs with fumes escaping from my nose. I brushed my teeth while listening to LSP crying for mami. I looked at myself in the mirror and I felt so defeated. No, I can't stand hearing LSP crying for me while I do nothing about it. I ended up drinking a big glass of cold water and ran upstairs.
The moment LSP saw me, she stopped crying in an instant. She was seated in the bed with her papi trying cuddling her and trying to calm her down. I went to bed and LSP immediately crawled towards me, quietly. She threw herself on my chest and just gave me a hug. She stayed like that for half a minute and it felt eternal for me. My mommy guilt didn't take long to act and punch my stomach. I offered her my milk and she happily succumb to it. Her big round eyes was on me. They sure were telling me something. Something so tender that all the more I felt so guilty for getting angry. Then her hand looked for my hand and held it like she missed me for so long. I was readt to burst with tears. I still feel so frustrated for not being able to do what I
needed wanted to do more than that, I feel really bad for letting her cry even for those 3 minutes that I was brushing my teeth and gulping a glass of water. The worst part of it is that I did it on purpose and with an angry note. No, LSP didn't deserve it at all. She didn't deserve the anger I felt nor she didn't deserve to left like that cold turkey when all she needed was to be held a little longer. I know I failed as a mom for this instant but now I know better. The household chores can wait and well, I can brush my teeth before putting LSP to bed next time.
Below is a quote I've read that will become a good reminder to me everytime I'd be in a similar situation:
What is best for the child is not always what is most convenient for the parent ~ Bonnie Bedfordand this:
Remember, you are not managing an incovenience; You are raising a human being ~ Kittie Franz