On Tantrums and Throwing Fits

It's here definitely.  We are on the terrible two phase.  It has started a little early actually... the intensity gradually levels up and right now we are at the peak level of the phase.

She easily gets so frustrated whenever she can't verbalize what she wants or what she feels or if she can have something her way.  One second she's this very sweet little happy angel and the next second, she's like a little angry monster throwing fits.

She has learned the word no for as early as I can't remember but at this moment, her no is a big NO! with the index finger pointing upward in a very snappy way.  Eyebrows crossing.  Eyes stern.  Yeah, she got the attitude.  Don't ask where she got that.

She has also started the twisting and back-arching and diving on the floor and punching and kicking and yelling and sometimes nail scratching when you try to force her to calm down.  She'd want everything on her sight to go away.  Go away, chair! Go away boots! Go away, jacket!  Go away, doll!  Just go away all!

What's even more frustrating is that sometimes we can't understand what has caused her to suddenly throw into some big fits.  She'd try to tell us but she still lack words for all the big emotions she's going through so all the more that she'd get frustrated. 

It is a difficult moment but what I have learned and still trying to learn is to accept the situation and not get frustrated myself.   I've tried different ways to help her calm down but most often than not, it'll be just in vein.  One day, when she had one of these moments at my in-law's house, my inlaw tried to help in calming her down.  She tried to "correct" LSP's attitude by telling her that LSP is being bad and that good kids don't throw themselves on the floor and cry out loud.  She was also telling her that she doesn't like bad kids.  Of course she's saying all these in all her good intentions to help and somehow to "discipline".

While I understand how people can tag this kind of behavior as "bad" behavior, I do not share this connotation.   I am not an expert on child psychology so I will just speak for our LSP being her mom.  At barely 2 years old,  our Little Spanish Pinay is growing up so fast.  Her mind makes her want to explore on so many things; learn; express emotions and ideas and yes, opinions too, why not.  But her words and ways are still too limited and it frustrates her.  Whenever she experiences a lot of excitements learning new things, wanting things,  she gets overwhelmed and couldn't process the tons of emotions she's feeling.  And when she can't get through to adults, she falls into fits.  At this age, I don't think she is doing this because she just wants to get her way. It's not bad behavior. It's the only way she can vent out whatever frustrations she is having because of incapacity to communicate well and/or incapacity to understand the amount of emotions she's dealing with.

What she needs is not discipline.  During this sensitive moments, what she needs is help.  Help in sorting out her feelings.  Find the words to express her frustrations, understand what has caused this and understand that she's not alone in dealing with all these.

I am neither saying that she'd be let alone when she's having the fits or give in to what she wants even if it's something dangerous or is not good for her.  This one, will just eventually (especially when she's already in an older age) help her develop the bad habit of throwing herself into fits if something is not going her way and that is not what we are going for.  There are things that no matter how much she'd cry for, we can't just give in to her but it's also not just about saying NO and that's it.

What I have learned to help her somehow slow down on her tantrums and eventually overcome it is by trying to help her verbalize what she's feeling or going through by telling her things such as:  "You are upset, aren't you?".  "That socket looks really interesting but it's dangerous and you can get hurt.  You don't want to get hurt, do you?".  "It's been a long day, isn't it? You've played a lot, you ran around, you've met a lot of children and now, you are tired. It's normal you get so tired and sleepy after all those activities!"

Normaly when we start to "re-live" all the activities that she has done for the day especially the ones that were really interesting for her, she'd start to calm down and would join in on remembering the fun things that happened.  It's not an easy road though, and it's really a challenge not to get frustrated nor raise my voice while I try to calm her down by talking to her and then she'd fight back with an even louder cry.  But it pays off.  The storm would calm down.  Then it's time for even more hugs and kisses again.

This is also a difficult time for her as much as for hubby and I and  we'd really like to let her know that inspite of this ugly phase she's going through, we'll still be here for her and we love her just the same.   There will be no "I don't like you anymore because you've been bad or you're acting bad!".   Instead, "We're here and we'll help you go through this rough road."

Your toddler is not a liar.

How many times have I seen and hear this, in movies and in real life.  Parents telling their toddlers: Don't lie to me. I know you broke that vase!   Stop lying, and tell me where you hid Mr. Teddy we need to wash him!  Why are you being such a liar at a very young age? 

Isn't it frustrating and disappointing whey they lie? 

How can they learn to lie at such a young age?  If I catch my toddler lying this early, does that mean he's going to be a professional liar when he grows up?  Help!

Stop.

It doesn't really mean they're lying and that they are masking the truth because they want to avoid being punished or simply because they didn't want to upset us.  Don't we do this adults?  Don't we lie because we want to avoid hurting people we love? Don't we lie to avoid getting fined or punished?  I am not saying it is OK to lie but I am just saying that in reality, lying is part of life and if we adults can't avoid this many times, why expect for toddlers to become stronger than us and not lie at all?

I read a blog article of a mom (who shall not be mentioned) about her 2yr old girl playing with other children in a park.  One playmate (a boy slightly older than her) approach the girl and asked for one of her favorite doll.  The 2yr old girl quickly hid the doll behind her and said she doesn't have it. Seeing this, the mom hurried to her girl and said "What did I tell you about lying? I told you not to lie.  Your hiding your doll behind your back.  We can all see her legs coming out from your back.  Let your friend play with it for a while.  You're not just becoming a liar but also a selfish one".  Embarrassed about her 2yr old girl's behavior,  she proceeded on commenting to the parents who were also watching the kids play; "She's terrible. I don't know where she learns how to lie. I kept on telling her that lying is bad.  I guess she's in that age.  But I really have to put a stop to this".

I don't know if I am the only one seeing something wrong with this. But I didn't agree on how the situation was dealt.  The 2yr old girl loves her doll very much.  She might have known how this boy treats toys.  She might have seen him play with his action figures being thrown up in the air and letting it fall - which is how boys would normally play with them.  But for her, this is no way how to treat a beautiful doll... much less her doll.  And it terrorizes her to see her much loved doll to be thrown up and in the air and fall flat in her face.  So to protect her doll from this rowdy little boy,  she said she doesn't have it.  Not telling the truth is her only way to save her doll!  In her small mind, it was her only escape.  Won't adults do the same given a similar situation?  Of course with something more valuable than a doll. But for a 2yr old, her doll is more valuable than an iPhone or than a Prada dress.  She's not being a liar.  She's protecting something precious for her.  

Sometimes we do need to stop and try to see the world the way our little ones see it, to understand their behavior.  Why they acted one way and not the way we'd want them to.

Another classic example is when a child breaks the mom's favorite vase.  The mom would see the broken vase in horror and would ask her child if he broke it and the child would say no with the flower still in his hand.  What could really have happened is that the child was admiring the flower and wanted to touch it but was too clumsy and pushed the vase accidentally.  Obviously, it fell on the floor and broke. The mom normally ask the child "Did you break the vase?" and the child would adamantly say no.  So what happens next?  Mommy says "Don't lie to me, I know you did it! Stop lying because I know you did it".

Why does the child can't just say he did it?  Naturally, he's scared of getting punished and most of all, he's scared of upsetting his mom with his own doing.  He didn't want to be "the cause" of mom getting upset.  For obvious reasons, he loves his mom.  And children more than anything else, loves to see us happy. They love to make us smile.  And so realizing that being the probable cause of mommy becoming sad is not acceptable to the child so he tries to cover up what happened.  This is all his small mind can do best to protect his mom from being sad.  And most probably to avoid getting punished.  Who wants to be punished anyways? Wouldn't we do something as well to avoid punishment?

I am not trying to justify thy lying per se but I am just trying to know where the lying is coming from and how and why these little minds resort to this.  And this way we can better deal with the situation and not just attack the kids with the words lying and liar and other not so nice words.  They don't even know what's lying and a liar and we are already making them believe that they are those words.  Much more, they don't even understand their own emotions.  When a 3yr old boy broke mommy's vase, he could be feeling sadness or disappointment with himself or fear of mommy's punishment but he doesn't even know what are those. 

I just don't like name calling on kids.  Kids believe in what their parents tell them.  So if we constantly tell them they are liars or they are being bad, they'd believe that and they'd think they ARE these things.

So what am I suggesting to be done when faced with a toddler that is not telling the truth in a given situation?  Talk to the child and help them identify what they feel and then recognize it.  Cryptic? Taking the first example above, the mom could have asked her child why she doesn't want to let the boy play with her doll.  The girl might not even able to express her fear of how the boy would treat her doll but the mom can tell her child something like "I know you don't want Lani (supposed name of the doll) to get hurt.  But you can still let your friend play with her while you supervise her.  We'll tell Carl (supposed name of the boy) to take care of her and treat her well, otherwise, we'll tell him he cannot play with Lani.".

Just omit the word lying and the phrase your're being a liar.

On the second example, the conversation can probably go like this:  Mommy:  Mommy is really sad about the vase.  It's my favorite vase.  It was a gift given to me by your grandma.  I know you're sad too.  You didn't mean to break it, did you?  Child: (would most likely nod in silence with a worried face)  Mommy:  Let's see how we can fix this. (Offer something that the child can help mend what has broken or if it's beyond repair let the child help in cleaning up by holding the plastic bag or the garbage can while mommy collects the pieces)

This way, we are teaching the child to do something about what has been done incorrrectly and be able to feel adequate on correcting his clumsiness.  And most importantly, we can show them that it is better to tell the truth and that by telling the truth, they don't get punished (and then we have to be true to our words - we should set a good example, yes?).

Preachy me?  No, I'm not trying to preach, just offering some alternative avenue on dealing with this kind of situations.  I believe toddlerhood is a sensitive period of child development.  In this period, they are very maliable and their brains absorbs just about anyting we teach directly or indrectly.  And we'd want to be really careful about what we tell them (or say when they are around) and show them. 

I've heard a 3yr old say "I don't want to sing because I don't sing well."  Do you really think a 3yr old would already know the standard of good singing or not?  Children at this age, should just be enjoying singing on their own way, their own style.  Oblivious to judgement.  Because they too, don't judge.  Children loooves the way their parents sing to them no matter how bad their parents sing.  Simple because what they appreciate is the attention, the fun spending time with the people most important to them at that point and most of all, the love behind those tunes or mistunes.  So how can 3yr old say he doesn't sing well?  He's heard of it from someone he trusts and thus, believed it.  And that is sad.

 redhanded on munching those sweet yummy cookies

So mommies, I know it's tough to control our nerves when after a long day of hard work, we'd be greeted with a broken vase or empty cookie jar just before dinner and our toddler would vehemently shake their head to deny they weren't the culprit inspite of the flower from the vase is in their hand being hidden at their back or the cookie crumbles on the side of their mouth and on their shirt. But we do need to try and control ourselves not to utter words that may be harmful to their crucial development.  Let's try to remember that the next time this kind of situation occurs, our toddler is not lying because they are little devil liars at such a young age but because they are trying to tell us something in their own clumsy way.  Remember, their vocabulary and perception about their feelings are still very limited thus, they can't just explain things to you and would resort to pretending that the misfortune that happened didn't happen at all or hide the obvious in order to save something or someone very important to them.

Your toddler is not a liar. 

What I Am Not Proud Of

I am second to the eldest among children of 6.  Between my eldest sibling and I, I am the one "more disciplinarian" when it comes to my younger siblings especially to our youngest.  There are 15 years difference between my youngest brother and I.  Or is it 16 years? Doesn't matter.  But what I am trying to get into writing to this entry is how I have disciplined my youngest brother back then.  Why am I disciplining my younger brother back then, you may ask? In the Philippines, part of our culture for younger siblings to have big respect to their older siblings and older siblings tend to be authoritative over the younger siblings.  And that's good especially the part of being respectful to older siblings.  But then the latter part has a dangerous part in it... see the supposed "authority" may be abused.  And I may have to admit that I have abused mine perhaps, misused or overly imposed.

I've seen how my mom takes care of all 6 of us and with my younger siblings, I'd see her sometimes having a hard time between keeping the house clean and taking care of us.  She gets really tired and when my younger siblings on top of that, misbehaves or does not obey her, it drives me batty and I'd interupt pretending to help my mom or at least take her "off load" from the task of disciplining my siblings.  And I can get hard on them :(.  Now that I am already a mom myself, those memories of disciplining my siblings makes me feel ashame of myself.  My husband and I chose attachment parenting for our Little Spanish Pinay and the more I get to understand how attachement parenting is and my babies or kids act this way or that, the more these memories of disciplining my younger siblings flashes back before my eyes and gives me a tremendous feeling of guilt.

Not that I have hit my younger siblings until they bleed or leave them bruises or anything like that to be categorized as legal child abuse.  But I have yelled at them.  I have refused to listen to what they have to say.  I have insisted on having them finish their food down to the last grain.  I've forced my youngest brother to go upstairs (almost dragging him through the stairs while he cries) and make him stay in the room until he is able to "reflect" on his "wrong action".  I smacked his palm as what is termed nowadays as occasional spanking as a form of discipline.  And although my intention is for him to learn something for his own good, no, I can't and will not use that to justify what way of disciplining him.  All I can do is recognize that I have done wrong, chose the wrong direction and be ashamed about it and most of all never do these things to my own child.  I thank God that my wrong decisions didn't cause serious damage to my siblings especially to my youngest brother.  And I still have a very good relationship with them.  I even receive a great amount of respect from them which I may not deserve.  Because children, are forgiving naturally.  That is the wonderful truth.

Am I saying that I will never hit my child even occassionally to discipline her when she's misbehaving? Yes.  I know it will be hard as anyone can lose his/her patience when faced with all the pressure of the day's tasks and a child's misbehavior.  But I will do everything I can to avoid hitting her even in the slightest manner... including not to raise my voice.  It will be a hard task and I am sure, being human, there will be times that things may go out of my control.

Will I spoil my child by choosing this direction of disciplining her?  No I don't think so.  I am not saying either that we'll just let it go everytime our little one do something wrong or something dangerous for her or for the people around her.  We are choosing positive discipline along with providing all the respect, affection, attention and encouragement that she needs.

I am not trying to make a conflict about this at all and I am not trying to say that parents who choose occasional spanking to discipline their children are bad parents.  Not at all.  This is just my personal reflection, realization and choice after being able to open my eyes with an alternative to occassional spanking.

Let us say motherhood has changed me and my views about child rearing and about life in general.  And I know it is for the better.  Especially for Little Spanish Pinay whom I live for together with my husband. I feel really positive about it and it makes me feel a better person than I was.