Behind the Scenes of Terrible Two

I wrote about us officially going through the terrible-two phase about three months ago.  When parents would say Oh, we are on the terrible phase now - the normal reaction is an empathetic with a sorry-feeling "uffff, let's hope she'll go past that soon..."
Terrible two phase has such a negative conotation like it's a hurricane one need to be prepared for.  The tantrums, the fits, the meltdowns are thought to be the protagonists of this phase but I'd say they are actually the antagonists.  These antagonists often overshadow the other milestones and wonderful changes in this phase.  When we normally here the phrase terrible-two, we hiss and grit our teeth and do the empathetic bending of head sideways followed by a non-verbal-poor-parents pout.

It seems that every emotion of a 2-yr old toddler is hightened to a ten-fold level - not only the anger and the frustrations but also the happiness, the excitement, the empathy, the sadness, the admiration, the surprise, the anticipation... every.single.emotion. And that is not exactly an unfortunate thing.

I, for one, have been wishing that this "terrible two" phase would be over soon... I was getting clouded by the frustrations and pressure of her meltdowns and for many parts, failed to see pass this behavior.  All I was seeing was her tantrums and meltdowns especially upon waking up from her naps and I just couldn't understand where are these coming from. I was feeling helpless and finding myself defeated.  I am really thankful that I have a husband who knows when to step in and help me see beyond what is just obvious.

At 2 yrs old (or maybe a little earlier), children are discovering tons of great new abilities, interests and a whole new exciting stimulants around them.  This is what is exactly happening to our Little Spanish Pinay.  She's been learning new abilities and independence that most often than not, she doesn't know where to start and at the same time she feels like she can even do more when she's still limited with some of her physical abilities.  She wants to explore everything and do everything at the same time because y'all? These are all new and in the eyes of a 2-yr old, eager to absorb everything the world can teach her, she.must.try.everything.because.she.can.  So, imagine the frustration and disappointment if met with sudden limitations... can be too much for a 2-yr old to handle.

But on the other side of the coin, where her needs to discover, to explore and to express herself are met, it's a whole new world ala Jasmin and Aladin in their flying carpet.  Even for us parents.  Seeing her squeal and open her mouth in such awe and excitement upon arriving at her favorite park is beyond joy.  Receiving an unexpected hug and brute kiss from her (even if it means she'd step on my foot and head-butt on my nose) is a reward to keep for life.  When she tells different stories on her words with ultra cute and funny expressions, our hearts are filled with laughter filled with admiration.  These moments would then make me wish she'd be in this phase forever or she'd carry over this characteristics on to different phases of her development.

One time, she was eating her sandwich and suddenly she wrapped it around her dress smudging it with tuna and cheese. With my hand on my head, first in my brewing tempter was the dress! the stain! the work needed to remove the stain! As I tell her that this is not right to do, she defensively tried to tell me El tawiks tiene frio! (The sandwich is feeling cold!)  She was definitely playing one of her make-believes games.  She then told me that it's a baby tawiks (sandwish) and therefore it's cold.

I couldn't get mad with this 2-yr old just trying to explore on her imagination (tender andcompassionate if I may add).  The ruined dress? I can just exhale a big sigh.  I told her that the baby sandwich is now fine and prefers to be eaten by her because it will never feel cold inside her tummy.  It took her a few seconds to digest what I just said and told me no and a a lot of thumping and crying.  Yeah, I know another sigh.  I figured she's not hungry anymore so I took the sandwich and told her that the baby sandwich needs her mommy sandwich so we have to bring her to the mommy.  It took a bit while to convince her but in the end, she agreed. I gave her her doll so she can continue to play-mommy.  This hasn´t been the first time this happened and by the looks of it, it wouldn't be the last.  Yesterday, she wrapped a lollipop with her trench coat.... with the same story.

It wouldn't be easy and I am sure that there will be times(many) that I will lose my composure and just see the mess that's been made but knowing and understanding what's behind her different behaviors, it'll help me see passed the tantrums and the meltdowns and the messing around the house.  It's not that she misbehaves rather, she's just a 2-yr old filled with life and emotions and hunger to learn and explore her environments, her abilities and her own limitations. And my role? Participate and help foment his development through discovering, experimenting and playing.

On Tantrums and Throwing Fits

It's here definitely.  We are on the terrible two phase.  It has started a little early actually... the intensity gradually levels up and right now we are at the peak level of the phase.

She easily gets so frustrated whenever she can't verbalize what she wants or what she feels or if she can have something her way.  One second she's this very sweet little happy angel and the next second, she's like a little angry monster throwing fits.

She has learned the word no for as early as I can't remember but at this moment, her no is a big NO! with the index finger pointing upward in a very snappy way.  Eyebrows crossing.  Eyes stern.  Yeah, she got the attitude.  Don't ask where she got that.

She has also started the twisting and back-arching and diving on the floor and punching and kicking and yelling and sometimes nail scratching when you try to force her to calm down.  She'd want everything on her sight to go away.  Go away, chair! Go away boots! Go away, jacket!  Go away, doll!  Just go away all!

What's even more frustrating is that sometimes we can't understand what has caused her to suddenly throw into some big fits.  She'd try to tell us but she still lack words for all the big emotions she's going through so all the more that she'd get frustrated. 

It is a difficult moment but what I have learned and still trying to learn is to accept the situation and not get frustrated myself.   I've tried different ways to help her calm down but most often than not, it'll be just in vein.  One day, when she had one of these moments at my in-law's house, my inlaw tried to help in calming her down.  She tried to "correct" LSP's attitude by telling her that LSP is being bad and that good kids don't throw themselves on the floor and cry out loud.  She was also telling her that she doesn't like bad kids.  Of course she's saying all these in all her good intentions to help and somehow to "discipline".

While I understand how people can tag this kind of behavior as "bad" behavior, I do not share this connotation.   I am not an expert on child psychology so I will just speak for our LSP being her mom.  At barely 2 years old,  our Little Spanish Pinay is growing up so fast.  Her mind makes her want to explore on so many things; learn; express emotions and ideas and yes, opinions too, why not.  But her words and ways are still too limited and it frustrates her.  Whenever she experiences a lot of excitements learning new things, wanting things,  she gets overwhelmed and couldn't process the tons of emotions she's feeling.  And when she can't get through to adults, she falls into fits.  At this age, I don't think she is doing this because she just wants to get her way. It's not bad behavior. It's the only way she can vent out whatever frustrations she is having because of incapacity to communicate well and/or incapacity to understand the amount of emotions she's dealing with.

What she needs is not discipline.  During this sensitive moments, what she needs is help.  Help in sorting out her feelings.  Find the words to express her frustrations, understand what has caused this and understand that she's not alone in dealing with all these.

I am neither saying that she'd be let alone when she's having the fits or give in to what she wants even if it's something dangerous or is not good for her.  This one, will just eventually (especially when she's already in an older age) help her develop the bad habit of throwing herself into fits if something is not going her way and that is not what we are going for.  There are things that no matter how much she'd cry for, we can't just give in to her but it's also not just about saying NO and that's it.

What I have learned to help her somehow slow down on her tantrums and eventually overcome it is by trying to help her verbalize what she's feeling or going through by telling her things such as:  "You are upset, aren't you?".  "That socket looks really interesting but it's dangerous and you can get hurt.  You don't want to get hurt, do you?".  "It's been a long day, isn't it? You've played a lot, you ran around, you've met a lot of children and now, you are tired. It's normal you get so tired and sleepy after all those activities!"

Normaly when we start to "re-live" all the activities that she has done for the day especially the ones that were really interesting for her, she'd start to calm down and would join in on remembering the fun things that happened.  It's not an easy road though, and it's really a challenge not to get frustrated nor raise my voice while I try to calm her down by talking to her and then she'd fight back with an even louder cry.  But it pays off.  The storm would calm down.  Then it's time for even more hugs and kisses again.

This is also a difficult time for her as much as for hubby and I and  we'd really like to let her know that inspite of this ugly phase she's going through, we'll still be here for her and we love her just the same.   There will be no "I don't like you anymore because you've been bad or you're acting bad!".   Instead, "We're here and we'll help you go through this rough road."